To See or Not to See

skinny me

Too see or not to see.

To seek help or

soldier on, chin up, through this deep groove in my life.

That is the question.

I have waffled for months, trying to decide whether or not to go back to my therapist. I adore my therapist, but that isn’t a good reason to see him. When I saw him last October, there was no question. I made that call, sobbed through three appointments, and told him I thought I would be able to manage, to be okay.

The relationship between therapist and patient comes with strict rules, mostly to protect the patient, who is vulnerable. I trust this man, and he trusts me. When I told him at the the end of that third session I felt I could carry on, he trusted me. I’m not so sure now we were right.

I checked on line to see if I qualified for seeking help.

I actually look good on paper.

I sleep.

I take care of my appearance.

I can do my job (well).

My house is reasonably clean.

I don’t cry every day anymore.

All good.

Still, I am not quite myself. Mostly it is a food thing. I seem to have developed a bit of an eating disorder, which is kind of funny. It’s funny because when I was in my 30’s, and considerably chubbier, almost all my friends were gay men. Once, when I was meeting them for dinner, or a frolic, Chris said I looked a bit heavy. I was mortified. From then on I trained them to say, every time we got together, “Jessica, You’re looking a little anorexic.”

Now the word some of my friends use is “gaunt”. I have my own private reason for not eating much and that reason still exists. But, basically I am fine.

Thus the waffle.

If I could just eat the waffle, I’d be set.

 

 

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4 Responses to “To See or Not to See”

  1. Kathy Says:

    Jess, you know I am a bit concerned about your weight loss. My advice,as a friend and soon to be former co-worker who cares so much about you, is to see your therapist. It is so wonderful, as I know, to have a therapist you trust and who is really helpful and insightful. Sometimes just talking to an objective listener who you trust is so helpful and gets you to clarity.

  2. jessica does things Says:

    I probably will. ♥️

  3. Roberta Says:

    Have you been to see your physician? Weight loss is only good when you are trying. Get checked please. Thinking of you and hope you can get through all the stress you are going through. It isn’t easy.

  4. jessica does things Says:

    Yes, I saw my doctor. My weight loss is intentional, but irrational. No worries.

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