Here I Am.

I haven’t written a blog in a long time.

Much of my life right now is not shareable in this age of sharing everything.

I am most visible at work. At the library, my full time job, I am usually in the center of a big room, standing in plain sight, with a name tag hanging around my neck on a black nylon cord.

After work, I like to run. Now that the light lasts longer, I see people I know.

I go to art events when time allows. Those are tricky. I seem to have my response time set on delay, so that when people ask me how I am, a reasonable question, I freeze for a moment.

Some nights I have time to draw. I like to have a movie playing on my studio tv; the movies I know, almost by heart.

My recent drawings are made with pencils.

As I draw, head facing paper, my favorite background movies are You’ve Got Mail, Shopgirl, and Julie & Julia.

Julie & Julia was on tonight. When Julie Powell is interviewed by Amanda Hesser from The NY Times, her life changes, and I am excited. She goes from unknown secretary at a call center to writer, with 62 messages on her answering machine from editors, publishers, literary agents. I am weepy when Julia Child gets the letter from Knopf (she says to her husband Paul “is it K-Noph or Noph? and he says “who cares! And she says who cares?!”) telling her they would LOVE to publish her cook book.

In Shopgirl, Mirabelle Buttersfield is an artist, unknown, waiting to be seen, noticed. And then, eventually, finally, she IS seen. First by the wrong man, and then the right one, as well as a gallery. Her relationship with Ray Porter reminds me of a relationship I had with a much older man, in my 20’s. This movie has a fairy tale quality, but something about it grabs me and gives me hope.

There is art. And this quote:

As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then does he realize that wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both and how he cannot justify his actions except that… well… it was life.

You’ve Got Mail breaks my heart because it is about the end of an independent bookstore, swallowed whole by a giant big box store. Of course there is love and a new beginning, but there is a scene where Meg Ryan’s Kathleen Kelly closes the store and feels like she has failed the memory of her mother. Something about that beautiful, empty shop makes me ache .

These are not great movies, but they are my movies.

I draw.

I am here.

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