My life is like a game show in the sort of dystopic novel young adults like to read. I have to do everything in fifteen minute to two hour increments. When time is up, I have to pick someone up or drop someone off, make a meal or clean something.
This afternoon Casey Afflek was talking about a new movie he is in called The Killer Within Me, or something like that. Of course it’s EXTREMELY violent and of course, this extreme violence is directed at women. Also of course this is because the director has an unflinching idea of what his movie should be and if people can’t take it, well too bad. People have been walking out of the theater and closing their eyes, etc. I think I’ll skip it, but the premise is about a stand up guy who is actually a serial killer. My question is, how does he have the time? How do you have a full time job and also manage to torture and kill people. And, where does he do it? Is clean up necessary? When does he sleep? If I were interviewing Casey I might have asked those questions, but Casey being the young man he is probably would think I was a lunatic, not worth answering.
I would like to see a movie about a woman who has to do a million pointless things all day long, things that amount to nothing at all but still are essential and somehow she manages to experience success at something wonderful like being an artist or running a bookstore or writing a novel. I can’t think of a single reason to go and watch a movie about a guy who has a full time job and kills and tortures women after work.Whatever is the point??
The other thing on my mind (well, there are so many things, but I won’t list them all), is what I would I do now if I could do absolutely anything, and being an artist was no longer the route I chose to take. The disturbing thing is that I have no idea at all. The closest thing I can imagine in a fantasy is being a writer, and wouldn’t that be pretty much the same as what I do now? I can’t imagine what success looks like. I can’t imagine being anywhere near the top of my game at anything, and at times I think I would have been happier if I had just gotten some retail job someplace and rose to be manager (or the owner) of a shop. I have always loved stores. Especially eclectic shops with all sorts of objects loved by the owner, like the shop Curatorium in Providence. My parents always poo pooed any retail job because the pay is low and you are tied to a store. But what if that had been my destiny? What if I wanted to be tied to a store? I can see myself in just such a shop, my art work hanging on the walls and a little doggie by my feet to say hello to the customers. Clearly the art thing isn’t happening and I might be better off in a shop, dusting shelves and ringing a cash register. I think that sounds lovely.